Hospice Story: Re-connecting Intimately

Don was dying from a cancer that was interfering with his ability to talk. He had been using a pad for writing. His wife, Carol, was still working. His life had been filled with a successful career: he was a big boat sailor, he played in a band, and he had two lovely adult children. They had been coping very well with this slow loss of control. But the gatherings and parties were coming to a close.

In a visit Carol talked about how tired she had become and how much she was missing Don. She didn’t quite know what to do with herself. She missed their talks and conversations. Don was sleeping more and just wasn’t as available to Carol as he had been.

I suggested that she just let herself be tired and connect with Don by simply snuggling, putting her feet up, getting under the blanket with him, and taking a nap together. She could let go of her role of caregiver and just be together with Don. They could connect at this basic level and have their needs taken care of at the same time.

So often we find it hard to let go of our roles and responsibilities to just be with our loved ones. There is a mistaken idea that we can work our way into a different reality. The internal thought might go something like this: If I can get all this medical stuff organized, clean the house up so it looks like it used to, I’ll then be calm and ready to deal with death. Meanwhile the process of dying persists, and the intimacy and connection get lost. I had suggested to Carol that she face her need and exhaustion and place them in the center of her husband’s dying process. This is one example of intimacy.